Adventures of the Bobs: The Bar

Bob Nelson looked in the mirror. He tried to flex his abs, but just ended up looking more constipated than anything else. Bob could never quite figure out how to flex properly. He sighed loudly. It had been a long week and he was ready for a fun night out. Bob put on his dark jeans and his orange, button down shirt, then once again looked in the mirror to check that he looked ready for a night on the town. When he was satisfied with his appearance, he picked up the phone and called his best friend.

            “Bob Neilson here,” his friend answered.

            “ Hey Bob, its Bob,” Bob said almost at once.

            “Oh, hey Bob. I’m just turning the corner, I’ll be there to pick you up in one minute,” Bob said.

            Bob hung up the phone and looked in the mirror one more time, just to make sure. “The ladies had better watch out tonight!” he whispered to himself. As he was making his way to the front of his apartment to wait for Bob Neilson, the doorbell chimed. Must be Bob already, he thought to himself.

            Bob opened the door to find Bob Neilson standing there, wearing dark jeans and a red, button down shirt. “Wow! Bob, you’re looking sharp, my friend. I hope you’ll leave some of these girls for me tonight,” Bob exclaimed.

            “Hey I can’t even compare to you tonight buddy! We are just going to tear this place up tonight,” Bob fired back at his friend.

            The Bobs got in Bob’s car and started to make their way to their favorite bar. After all, it was the only bar in town that they had ever had any luck with girls, and the Bob’s didn’t want to jinx their chances of picking up a beautiful woman by visiting a different bar. They were superstitious that way. They also made sure to play the same mix tape on their way to the bar every time. Two blocks from the bar, like clockwork, Bob Neilson put on “You ain’t goin’ no where” by Bob Dylan. That particular song was the Bobs’ jam.

            As the Bobs pulled up to the bar, Bob Nelson started to fumble with his hands. Bob Neilson noticed that his friend kept wiping the sweat off his hand on to his jeans. “Hey Bob, are you ok?” Bob asked his friend.

            “Yeah I’m fine, it’s just been a while since I’ve been out, that’s all,” Bob replied.

            “Bob, I’ve known you for a long time now. Any of these women tonight would be lucky to have you. I mean, you have over a hundred followers on twitter!”

            “I don’t think I have a twitter, Bob. The internet’s too confusing for me.”

            “Are you sure Bob? I’m almost positive that’s you.”

            “No Bob. I think you’re the one with the twitter.”

            “Oh. Huh, maybe you’re right. Anyhow, don’t be too nervous. Let’s just go in there and have a good time. You’ll see, it’s going to be great.”

            The Bobs got out of their car and made their way in to the bar. They found some stools and ordered a couple of drinks. They both ordered the same drink, as they had every night since they started coming to the bar. Martini, on the rocks, two olives. Each one started to look around the bar to find the girl of their dreams. After a few glances Bob Nelson saw a woman across the room who seemed to smile at him. He smiled back, and turned to Bob. “Bob, do you see that girl over there?” he asked, his voice brimming with anticipation.

            “Yeah, I see her Bob. What’s your plan?” Bob replied curiously.

            “I think I’m just going to go talk to her. Will you be my wingman Bob?” Bob asked his friend.

            “Sure, let’s go over there and introduce ourselves.” Bob said, trying to sound confident for his friend.

            The Bobs stood up and made their way across the room towards the woman. Bob Nelson took a couple of deep breaths to calm his nerves. They both approached her, and Bob Neilson tapped her on the shoulder. She turned around and saw the two Bobs in front of her. For a moment she looked puzzled, and then, in order to keep the awkwardness at bay, she said hello.

            “Umm, hi,” she stammered.

            “Hi, my name’s Bob, and this is my friend Bob,” Bob Neilson said.

            “Hi, I’m Bob,” Bob Nelson managed to say.

            “Well hello Bob and, erm, Bob. I’m Claire. I’ve, ah, never been approached by two brothers with the same name before. Or two men at the same time in general,” she said slowly, as if she couldn’t find the right words for the situation.

            “I tweet!” Bob Nelson suddenly exclaimed. Both Bob and Claire jumped when he said it. The whole bar seemed to go quiet for a second, trying to understand the outburst.

            “I have a twitter. Almost a hundred followers. They listen to my tweets. On twitter. When I tweet. Using the internet,” Bob continued, much louder than was necessary. Bob Neilson looked at his friend in astonishment. Claire sat there with her mouth slightly ajar, paralyzed, with no idea what to say.

            When the initial shock wore off, she managed to formulate a sentence. “So… you tweet, huh?” she said as she choked on the words.

            “Well, no, I don’t. The Internet confuses me. But Bob here, he tweets. I think. He’s probably good at it,” Bob said without pausing for a breath.

            “Umm, yeah. I tweet, probably. Maybe. I could tweet you?” Bob Neilson starting to panic.

            “What? Um, I think that my friends are leaving right now. I’ve got to go. It was, umm, well, different meeting you two,” Claire said as she gathered her things quickly.

            “Thank you,” Bob Nelson said, as he smiled, opening his mouth slightly too wide, making Claire cringe. She turned around and started to round up her friends. As they were leaving, Bob Nelson looked on toward her with a look of disappointment.

            “Goodbye my lover,” Bob Nelson said a little too loudly. Claire turned around with bewilderment in her eyes.

            “Goodbye my friend,” Bob Neilson said for reasons he couldn’t fully comprehend. Claire seemed to start to run away at that point.

            The Bobs returned to their seats, both confused and a little disappointed. They couldn’t figure out, for the life of them, what went wrong. “What do you think happened back there?” Bob Nelson inquired.

            I’m not totally sure. I thought she would be excited to meet a man who tweets,” Bob Neilson said as he patted his friend on the back.

            “Well there’s always tomorrow, right Bob?”

            “Yeah, you’re right, Bob. Let’s get another drink.” The Bobs ordered another round of martinis, not wanting to jinx their future chances at love.

- J.R. Thal